my life seriously fuckin sucks to the maximum of the maximum of the maximum of the maximum of the maximum OF THE MAXIMUM.
i WILL NOT update my blog UNTIL my life doesn't sucks.

why can't anyone just die like that?
fufil my sorrows, make me dead by tomorrow..

if one day i migrate to other countries, do not blame me.
i wanna start life anew. alone.

im always unloved.
always.

right, i've got a boyfriend.his name is EricNgYongXiang. A BOYFRIEND TO THE MAX.
happy ?
i so do not wanna publicise this fucking relationship initially alrite.
okay, pursuers, do not wait okay!
DO NOT!
OKAY?
HAPPY!
URHHHHH.
why can't i bloody live a peaceful life?
WHERE EVERYONE IS LIKE A HAMSTER AND DO NOT SPEAK!
WHYY HA?
can you just relax? i noe u love me tothemax but if the torment is like getting over your head, i suggest you just give up and go find some other sluts alrite.
im so fucking sure this world is filled with pretty or cute or wadever shitty whores out there la.
just pick one that suits you okay.
and stop adding pressure on me!!
I DID NOT GO BACK TO ERIC TO BLOODY SEE U SUFFER.
GET IT?
motherfuckingcrap.
please, can i have a peaceful life?
make my phone stop ringing.
please..

fine fine. i update.
this post wun be of much info on my life recently. will do a more detailed one once im over my mourning period okay.
a summary on my life: here goes.

1. my beloved grandfather passed away; i miss and love him dearly.
2. i still miss n love him dearly.
3. i seriously miss my ah gong. :(
4. sighh, i miss my ahgong ALOT.. ;(
5. been to the NDP preview; fireworks nice to the max.
6. i love my hamster; my Kacang. my dearie dearie darling girl.
7. i feel my life suck sometimes. but yet, its like awesome at times.
8. dreamt bout my ahgong hugging me tightly.
9. i missed the 4E5 chalet, sorry to you guys who asked me to go.
10. i didnt run got the X-country. i guarded the bags. yay.
11. i eat alot recently.

IMPORTANT: i wanna have a bunny ! a small small bunny! a cute one ! omg, i just wanna have it. i feel their cages are soo cute. and i wan my hammie to live with my bunny! i wanna get a Netherland Dwarf Bunny. i seriously love love love love bunnies to the max. but it seems there is alot of work to do. like clearing their cages DAILY, and doing grooming for them like clipping their nails every 3 weeks. hmm. i have a few very disturbing questions on getting a bunny.

1. will my darling Kacang get super jealous?! (omg.that cant be happening)
2. will my bunny die ?!?!!?!?!!?!?!
3. wad if it stinks to the max and my family hates it?!
4. wad if my bunny gets sick?!?!
5. wad if i do not know how to trim its nail?
6. wad if my bunny attacks Kacang?!?!
7. OMFG. SHOULD I GET A BUNNY?

pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease. solve my queries. pleaseeeee. i cannot take such questions.

i want a bunny real badly..

OMG. did all of you just see that?
that was a computerised birthday card from:
Sandra, Purani, Kacang, Zhiwei, Nadd, Emmanuel and Hazel n Nutty.
OMG.
with this, i can forgo all presents in the world..
with this, i can just smile 25/8..
with this, i know, that i have true friends that loves me.
and for this, i love u pple ALOT.
this is like, THE BEST THE BEST present EVER.
im so touched la.
its like, OMFG.
the pic is so sweet, plus its so cuteeeeee.
i like the cookie, and the hammie!
its my Kacang u know~!~!
and, the words are.. so.. comforting.
OMGGGG. its the best. sucha niceeee pic.
(EVEN MY DADDY AGREES)
i love u pple. dearly.
thanks,
Sandra, Purani, Kacang, Zhiwei, Nadd, Emmanuel and Hazel n Nutty.

i am so blessed.

my bday tomoro. im so sick to the max.
i can't think of anything else EXCEPT my bday.
currently, have lots of pressies already!
smiles sweetly.
and i know i'll be in for my surprises tomoro.
i love all of u who get me pressies.
LOVES DEARLY~~
and to those who gimme bday wishes. heehee.
wahaahahaha.
i can't wait.

and.. tomoro is Racial Harmony Day.
im so wearing a Sari, from Purani my darling.
shes so uber sweet.
i hope i look good in it.
=D
i guess there will be pictures.
i'll force Purani to take lotsa pictures of us, since she likes taking pics so much.
yippeee! i love frens who loves taking pics for us.
can't wait. gotta wake up at 4am tomoro.
need to meet syldarling at 5.45am.
please pray she will wake up. =)
lots of love.

cookies will be 17 soon.
happy birthday to myself..

just a simple sweet reminder.

MY BIRTHDAY IS ON FRIDAY!

21st July.

hahahahahahaahahahhahahahaa.

please remember the prezzies. thanks.

ouch. so this is life. so bleak, so painful, so melancholic?
no.. dat wasn't my past perspective of life. how did my view on life change so dramatically?
i have no idea. im starting to wonder.. wads my purpose in life. am i even alive inside me?
i feel so dead, so numb and so fake. everything seems so surreal to me.. maybe it would be a blessing in disguise to awake and find myself in a dream..
or probably, i should slash my wrist, to see the blood.. to noe im actually alive.. to noe im actually real..
well, maybe death or killing myself can't help much cos im already dead inside..
wads the difference?
all the tears every night, im so tired of it. and though laugh everyday and claims dat "life is wonderful..", wad does it shows? no one knows the sadness within..
no one knows im dead inside.
everyone thinks im a happy lil ger whos contented with her life..
she has frens, sisters, wadever, lots of them.... wad else matters? but. wad about the love?

LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT!!

fuck my life. lately, its becoming soooo miserable. arghh. so mani troubles. fuck every single human being in this fucked up world. its because of u fuck face humans dat im having all these problems. to hell with u all lah. i hope im the ONLY human left in this world. den im free from all motherfuckin bullshits! u sonofabitches have some mental problems izzit. leave me outta ur life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanna be alone in my isolated world. yes. ALONE. get it? A-fuckin-LONE. annoy me again n u assholes are sooo dead. all of u who have pissed me off, may u all have ur throat slit and maggots shall fuck ur wounds. and i'll make sure u drown in ur own nightmares. or u shall get fucked by million of bees and die in a severe MRT crash. u bunch of retards dunno who u are dealing with yet huh.. fuck EVERYONE!!
U ALL OUGHT TO FUCKIN PERISH!!

to Nadira darling especially: we are best frens/sisters forever. i hope u know that, and misunderstandings are bound to occur sometimes. i hope it would not affect us. cos I, joei loves u to bits. i noe u do too. im sorry and yupp, hugs.

maybe. all he wanted is just LOVE from me.
but LOVE is not wad i can give him.
i can make him SMILE, LAUGH, CRY.
i can make him happy.
but i cant LOVE him, not yet.
because there is Eric, the guy
who i noe, will love me.
the guy, who is the prince.

do not frown cos i can't be with you,
i wish u would smile.
cos i love that cute dimpled smile of yours.
makes me smile too.
i don wanna hear u sobbing at the end of the line.
i do not want you to feel sad.
maybe yea, its inevitable.
but please okay.
i know you love me.
i know. who doesnt?
you'll be my knight rite?
u'll be my knight in the ULTRA shiny armour to the max.
so make me feel safe. OKAY!
and not be gay.
i like ur retarded dimpled smile to the max.

im terrified. very very scared.
i cannot take crisis. i CAN'T!
somebody save meeeeeeeeeee.
i cannot face you anymore.
ok, i cannot.
love hurts, seeing the one you love.. go to somebody else.
of cos it hurts.
but,
fuck.
i screw up big time. biggggg bloodddyyyyy timeeeee.
im sorry.
sorry doesn't help.
okay, theres nothing i can do.
ohmyfuckingod.
OHMYMOTHERFUCKINGOD.
lemme die. just lemme die.
OMGGGGG. i am sucha fucked up slut.

my night out with Jarael darling n Gheeting dearie. at some voiddecks.


hahahahaha. exams are over. now its the results. so far, i've only passed Chinese. =D
im happy with myself. at least pass one also happy! woohoo. and den, i got an A grade for Benny Lim's ASEAN thingy. WOOHOO. im more than happy. happier den happy.
even though i just lost $69. =(
its okay. for a bday prezzie. i guess. never give anyone sucha expensive prezzie before.

and i just met up with Xmark korkor, melanie darling, Jaraeldear, and GHEETING! my soulmate! woohoo.
we slacked around some blocks. talking and bullying some retards.
got scolded by some assholes. hahaha. and some pure heart-t0-heart talks.
me n gheeting made some cool plans to go out someday next week,
i can sense some happiness approaching.
life is just lovely with her~! i swear with my pubic hair.
we will never ever part, thats wad she worries most.
we'll go pubbing together. shop and bath together. sleep. have scandals and cheat on pple together.
we are always the same old joei n gheeting.
where pple see me and say "gheeting leh?" and pple see u and say "joei leh?"
do not worry bout me forgetting you, i should worry.
and darling, i really love you. -hugs u tightly-
i hope u will brace up .. do not feel stressed. cos there is always my smile. =) i love u..

and so gheeting is considered my SUPER UBER GOOD FREN. obviously good frens are just a few.
a few of my good frens are: serene, joan, gheeting, melanie, dajie, rachel, peiqi, jiemin, gladys, josephine, jean, jarael, xmark, damark, johnnie, shihui, priscilla, purani, sandra, nad, diana, sylvia,esther, blah blah blah blah.
-POST EDITTED- section on FRIENDS is all bullshit.

watched BOO! today. erm. quite scary. but yea.. SCARY. hahahahhahahaha.
wad a loser. i hate losers who cover or close their eyes while watching horror movies.

and im going to the zoo tomoro! damn cool. woohoo.
i LOVE the zoo. have i mentioned that? zoo is like so cool. so many animals
i wanna work there if i have the chance.
i LOVE animals. muahaha. yay!

**if u need help buying my birthday prezzie, kindly refer to a few posts back, where i posted my WISHLIST. or if u need further help, leave me a message at my tag board, and i'll post another wishlist.
HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHa.
MY BIRTHDAY IS APPROACHINGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!
so excited.

yay finally can do this. Valerie tagged me to do it. so although abit late. im still doin it. yay!
exams over and i aint stressed anymore.
woohoo. promise to study beforehand next time. i swear.

okay , lets start.
7 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT ME
1. im FAT n UGLY to the max
2. i love my hamsters ALOT. ALOT. ALOT.
3. i've got straight brown hair. NATURAL WAN U NOE!
4. my boobs are gorgeous. really. its like, WOW.
5. i love eating good food. ALOT. i'll die for it.
6. i love SMILING! and laughing loudly.
7. i am a shopaholic. a serious one at that too.

7 THINGS THAT SCARES ME
1. LIZARDS. BEETLES.
2. THUNDERS. *screams.
3. the thought of my hammie darling leaving me.
4. being forgotten by pple.
5. when pple says im fat.
6. being moneyless
7. being involved in any LOVE matters.

7 RANDOM THOUGHTS AT THE MOMENT
1. can my darling hamster be immortal? can it not die forever?
2. i hope to slim down, within a week.
3. i wanna be pretty. =(
4. i miss my soulmate Gheeting and Melanie darling alot. and my 4E4 darlings.like dajie,rach,peiqi,jean,jiemin,jo,xiaoyi
5. i am feeling happy now.
6. i want a Syrian hamster.
7. MY BIRTHDAY IS APPROACHING! yay! <everyone pls look here>

7 THINGS I SAY THE MOST
1. shut up loser
2. fuck off
3. hahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahaahahahahhahahaha
4. u're a bitch/slut/whore
5. retarded fucker
6. NEENAABEHH?
7. TO THE MAX!

7 PEOPLE TO DO THIS
1. Kacang
2. XiaoMing
3. Harman & Kardon (winks at Gheeting)
4. Zhiwei
5. Purani
6. Dyan
7. Tofuman

7 WEIRD THINGS ABOUT ME
1. i love smelling my pillow.
2. i love kissing and smelling and talking and biting my hamster.
3. i am in love with my soulmate gheeting.
4. i cannot live without shopping and eating good food.
5. i get orgasms easily, just by eating yummy yummy food.
6. i like melancholic things, although im a cheerful girl.
7. i love scary things. the scarier, the more i love. like zombies, cannibals, etc.

so did u all enjoy yourself? hahahaha.
miss ya all. muacks.

OMG. woohoo ! its like, my keyboard has been down for a week ! and i can't blog. but now, the HP computer man came and replace it with a BRAND NEW keyboard, which is like, OMG, damn chio la. and very non-seasoned. very un-soft. like, very brand new. hahahaahahahhahaa. shut up.

and hmmm. i shall blog more.. lemme go to my god mummy's house first.

a note.
JOEI'S BDAY IS APPROACHING.
PRESENTS ARE EXPECTED.
IMPORTANT.

21st july is my birthday.

jealous. =(

i don like zhiwei. bitch.

sigh. there are so many problems going thru my head now.
i don wish to live, but there are so many things holding me back.
friends, families, especially my hamsters, good food and all.
so wads this thought of dying doing in my head?
i noe i may sound exceptionally foolish and immature at this point of time.
any of you may kill me anytime you want.
but again, i wanna probe. wheres the positive attitude i have in the past?
i've let so many pple down, like mr benny lim. im so sorry ok.
and sigh, theres this controversy in me about whether can death solve anything or not.
feel free to join in the debate.
my heart and my mind is in a whirl.
whether to die or not to live.
am i just PMSing? or am i just "growing up" and having hormonal changes.
i've no idea anymore. im not even bein sensible here.
im feeling miserable and shattered.
maybe i should get help.. and get rid of suicidal thoughts now.
self-mutilation is painful.. =( it is..

a part of me wants to die, a part of me does not.

ok this is real, as in really real..

joei have officially gotten a fever.

a fever after so many days of telling pple im not okay.
and nobody wanna believe me.

an aching muscle,
a splitting headache,
heart palpitations,
lao-sai-ing.

and nobody believes me. no one. not one at all.

let me repeat this fact, no one believes me.

i'll be off to see the doctor tomorrow.
i will not be going for the exams.
its taken its toll on me.
sorry.

hurray! somebody replied me. muahahaha. u all dun hafta know who issit. lalalala.

exams in a few minutes. i hope i can die now.
and why am i always the one experiencing all the fake retards?
tell me please, why?
its always the same thing that pisses me off before and after an exam.
its like, SHUT THE FUCK UP pls all of you, YES, ALL OF U.
maybe its the stress level in me rising, but still.
if there is anyone who DID NOT study, it would be the fucked up bitch here typing out this entry.
if there is anyone who STUDIED, obviously it would be the rest of the civilians out there.
and if you retards say u did NOT studied, FAIL LET ME SEE! YA BLOODY HELL FAIL ok?
ironically, pple who often say they DID NOT study, pass with soaring high marks.
higher den the planes up there man. higher den the word higher.
the feeling is not pleasant for me AT ALL.
bcos i know, and i will flunk my Mid years.
so all of you, shut the bloody fuck up ok?

this post is not directed to anyone in particular. do not assume things.

in the mood for poems. so... yea. hahaha.
don worry all of you.
im just TRYING to be melancholic.
DO NOT ask me "wad happened to you" or wadever.
im fine. really. =D hugs everyone.
im just in a mood for poems.

Am i Alone

I get a funny feeling,it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,wanting to go and hide.
My doctor calls it depression,my dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,no one will ever be able to see.

Some say I'm retarded,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.

I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.

I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.

-end-

and now, i hope you would not get hurt.
probably the hurt is inevitable.
but. your happiness is all that matters to me.
really. i want you to smile.
i want you to feel happy.
please, for the sake of u loving me so much,
stay happy, won't you? please?

hugs n kisses all.